the (not) mama

DNLoI, or How I Still Can’t Find My Way

What, you ask, could this acronym possibly have to do with being a not-mama? I’ll tell you what, Internet. This has everything to do with being a not-mama. First of all, props to my friend who gives the best gifts for coming up with my new favorite line: Delicious New Layer of Intrigue.

And yes, friends – this is a delicious new layer of intrigue indeed.

I’m speaking of mommyblogger conferences. I’m speaking in particular about the Mom 2.0 Summit, this past weekend in Houston, featuring big names like Dooce, Finslippy (Alice Bradley), Maggie Mason and others, along with plenty of regular folks, too. Twitter has been all abuzz with reports and pictures for those of us at home, and frankly with all the talk, it’s possible to feel like you’re there. Mom 2.0 is a conference for mommybloggers to get together, speak blog-speak, network and presumably get some good information to take back with them to their bloggy worlds. I do not begrudge them their conferences (and by them, I mean the mommybloggers), nor am I uninterested in what they have to say.

What I am interested in is the snark that goes along with these events. Hence the delicious new layer of intrigue: there was a little testiness going on over in Texas sparked by some Twitter conversation. Girls will be girls, and if you’re a girl and ever darkened the doors of junior high or summer camp or you know, LIFE, then you know how backstabby and catty and just downright mean girls can be. And remember how we all thought in high school and college that whew! we’ll be so glad when we graduate and get away from all this? Yeah, we were stupid. Because y’all, it doesn’t end there. In fact, I’m pretty sure my 91 year-old grandmother-in-law knows some bitches in her nursing home. I live in a small town, and there’s no shortage of bitches here, either.

My question to the mommybloggers is this: what is to be accomplished from knocking one another in the jaw because some other woman is bigger/smaller, better/worse, louder/quieter, skinnier/fatter, richer/more-on-TV than you are? Other bloggers are not exempt from these questions either, by the way. But the mommyblogging world is just such a tight-knit group of people; they know each other from social media, from conferences and from networking events in large cities. They “see” each other online and make friends (or enemies) with their posts – as we all do.

I’ve said before, on Half Baked, Twice as Good, that sometimes I am jealous of the mommyblogosphere because I am not in it. It’s like a sorority that requires vaginal mutilation (again, can’t speak from experience but what not-mama has ever heard a good birth story? not this one) as initiation. The title of this conference – Mom 2.0 – leads not-mamas like me to believe that if you’re not a parent, this place isn’t for you. And I know from other wonderful bloggers – moms included – that the mommybloggers welcome the not-mamas with open arms. Mostly.

If you’ve been on Twitter this past weekend, you have likely heard of the #creepythesis. If you haven’t, it’s the unfortunate moniker given to a 2008 master’s thesis that explores Canadian mommybloggers. There have been arguments both for and against this thesis because one of its main points is that mommybloggers bear a striking resemblance to “talk shows and girl groups.” Can’t say I agree with that assumption, nor do I think that description is even remotely flattering. The #creepythesis hashtag came from the discovery that the mommybloggers “researched” in the thesis were never contacted about being profiled, nor did they know about this thesis until one of the bloggers mentioned in the thesis self-Googled and found it. I confess that I did not read all 154 pages of it, but I read the first 75 or so, and skimmed the rest. The general consensus around the web is that the thesis committee that approved this topic is on crack, and that it is merely the rambling of a young college student (a not-mama) who is fascinated by this world.

She is not alone.

I am confounded by what I consider the over-analyzing of mommybloggers. Not only do they question one another face-to-face, they also do it on Oprah, on the Today Show, on Twitter and on their own sites. I’ve noticed by following many of them on Twitter that the majority are super supportive of each other and have made great, loyal friends (or their tweets imply that, at least). I think that’s important because in the general blogosphere as a whole, allies are key. But what I don’t get is why so many people feel the need to break it down, nitpick it, analyze it, read into it and draw assumptions about people based on what they reveal about themselves on their blogs.

If I have children and a blog at the same time one day, I will attend conferences and lectures and networking events for mommybloggers with pleasure. But what I hope I won’t do is make a mental note of who snubbed me, or whose children have fewer Kool-Aid stains on their shirts than mine, or whose blogging income is far larger than mine. It’s not supportive. It’s not conducive to building a strong community and it’s not a good example for others in the blogosphere.

That’s my two cents, my view from the way outside, and my personal take on what will surely be described as “none of my business.”

I’m okay with that.